My Unashamed Truth

Hello, my name is Yokie and this is “I Can Do This All Day,” named after Earth’s Mightiest Hero, Captain America.

And once again…

On this post, I’m going heavy straight out of the box once again- why, you ask? Because I does this- and I’ll be discussing the case against the case against television (that’s not a typo) and why people that call it an “idiot box” are intellectually stunted assholes.

So, for those that are just now joining our regularly scheduled program… 

I watch a buttload of television. (See prior post and my insanely awesome tv watching schedule.)

I have been a fan of the tube since birth. Literally. My mother says (‘alleges’ is a better word) that the only time I cried as a baby was when the television would be shut off. On the other hand, this is the same woman that claims we didn’t wake up every Saturday morning at the buttcrack of dawn to scrub the entire apartment, so who can really trust her?

Anyway, I watched it all- from Tom & Jerry, Voltron, Thundercats and Scooby Doo to Dallas, Little House on the Prairie, The Golden Girls and Moonlighting. Nothing was off limits. And before you ask, the answer is an emphatic YES. Yes, the very same woman that wouldn’t let us go outside in the rain would let us watch shows about southern scandal, poverty stricken settlers, geriatric jezebels and the sexual tension between two ridiculously good-looking white people. It’s called balance.

As I got older, my obsession did not fade or lessen- it actually did the opposite. It intensified. I watched everything- all across the board. The 80’s closed out with the sitcoms and TGIF lineup that I devoured. The 90’s rolled in with The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Law & Order and of course the reigning champeeeeen: Beverly Hills, 90210.

I

WATCHED

IT

ALL

Voraciously, I absorbed everything on every damn channel. With a psychotically unhealthy and borderline sociopathic memory when it comes to television and film useless facts, I balanced every show, every night of the week all season long. I watched 90210 when it aired in the summer months. I picked back up in September when fresh season aired and cliffhangers were answered; and I would continue to add to the list, always in front of the TV when a new show was added to the already crowded lineup.

Then some asshole said TV was bad for you. Does said asshole have a name? I’m sure they do- all assholes have names and they’re usually something fitting like Dick or Wentworth. 

Except this Wentworth, because DAMN

But this particular asshole doesn’t deserve the stroke of my keyboard to google their name, so we shall call said asshole “Fool.”

At some point in the past, Fool done went and told everyone that television was bad for you and that it rots your brains. So schools everywhere, mine included, began to urge kids to stop watching so much TV. So that it wouldn’t rot our brains.

Yes. Because not wearing seatbelts as we rode in the front seat of our parents’ station wagon on our mother’s laps while our fathers drove home drunk at 3am was infinitely better than a little TV…

Again... BALANCE

In an attempt to keep our growing bodies active and our developing minds busy, teachers began to assign more and more homework, reasoning that the more work we did, the less time for television we’d have. 

*Disclaimer: I don’t really know if this is actually true or not; but it did happen in my class. Besides, it fits the narrative for my post, so it is hereto henceforth factual fact..

As such, most of my friends and kids that I knew began to pull back from their television sets. Their parents imposed more rules and suddenly, I was the only 12 year old that knew where the killer hid the body in last night’s episode of Law & Order. I was also the only 12 year old that understood all of Niles’ stuffy jokes on Frasier.

As the only kid on my block that knew everything about every show on air, my constant references to evening television often went over everyone's heads; but I didn’t mind. I just bided my time, waiting for the day when television would be revered again.

But the insults continued.

Television was called the “boob tube,” a colorful term implying watchers were stupid. In 2013, a study was done on a bunch of kids in Japan showing that their brains changed with the more television they watched. TV lowered grades and test performances. The quest to battle obesity started with shutting off their televisions and getting kids back outside. Oh no, TV makes kids violent and stupid and angry and stupid and dumb and stupid. Blah blah blah, yada yada yada.

Here’s the thing:

I may be the exception, I may even be the long-shot case. But, I’m a person that has watched 40 years of television.

Oops, I mean 25.

And don’t bother doing the math- It’s correct. Trust me.

Ahem.

As I was saying, I’m a person that has watched 25 years of television- give or take a decade and a half- and none of the above apply to me.

How can I be sure, you ask?

Allow me to state the facts:

Translation- allow me to brag about myself…

All through grammar school and junior high, I got straight A’s. And not just straight A’s- we’re talking about 100’s in every subject on every assignment and every test; scoring in the 99th percentile of every state exam; and bitching my ass off if I got anything less than an A+ on an essay. I took AP courses in high school, rocked my 25 page senior thesis paper on the symbolism in To Kill A Mockingbird and got into every college and university I applied to- without EVER having cracked open a single book to study.

I did all of that while maintaining a pretty average social life (for an unsociable introverted mean-looking chick from the Bronx with strict parents), holding a part-time job in retail, having a boyfriend on the low (because again- strict parents), cleaning my goddamn house every goddamn Saturday morning, volunteering at a program for autistic children in the South Bronx and... what was that? Oh yeah, that’s right- WATCHING A BUTTLOAD OF TELEVISION EVERY DAMN DAY.

I also learned this watching TV

As an adult, I have two teenage children who are assholes most of the time, but they cool people so I keep them around. I’m married, got a dog, a cat, a house, etc. Got a career which I’ve been growing for over twenty years. Have my own business and launching another venture. I’m also a published author with five released novels and working on several projects to release soon. I work out 6 days a week- and not that prissy yoga meditation shit, either. I’m talking about HIIT, boxing, kickboxing and heavy weights. I walk a minimum of 2 miles almost every day during lunch just because and I’m generally in great health.

I do all of that while attempting to parent two evil children, not ignore my husband, take care of a house, work out regularly, expand my business, market my novels, stifle my homicidal tendencies, write other books, be creative, drink more water, try to be peaceful and... what was that? Oh yeah, that’s right- WATCHING A BUTTLOAD OF TELEVISION EVERY DAMN DAY.

See?

Now, I acknowledge that education is priceless and reading books expands minds and creativity like hardly anything else on Earth. I know that there are lessons taught from school and life that are unmatched and irreplaceable. And I’m not saying I’m the smartest person alive (though you’d be hard-pressed to dispute that statement). But there is a shitload of stuff that I know and trust me when I say that it didn’t come from a book or a classroom.

I know that if you have inhaled smoke, you must check the inside of your mouth to clear the soot and ash that could block your airway and eventually kill you. I didn’t read that in a book; I saw it on Grey’s Anatomy.

I know what the statute of limitations is on a sexually-based crime in New York City because Captain/Lieutenant/Detective Olivia Benson on Law & Order: SVU told me. (Incidentally, CUNY's John Jay College of Criminal Justice also taught me that, but again- gotta fit the narrative...)

I know that in the event of a zombie apocalypse and without a formidable weapon handy, duct tape will save my life because The Walking Dead taught me, RIP the homey, Glenn Rhee.

I know that french-manicured toes are not cute because 90210 told me so.

I also know how to hot-wire a car; what the Black Lace-Weaver Spider is; that there are 86 billion neurons in the human brain; that koala bears have chlamydia; how to cook meth; that kippers are herring split in half; that angels spoke Enochian; that Wendigos are real folklore; that the first vaccine was developed by Dr. Edward Jenner; and that a Lieutenant Commander in the US Navy outranks a Captain.

And this, Ladies and Gentlemen, is what a Wendigo looks like.
Sweet dreams...

I learned a lot from school. I spent 16 straight years learning educational facts and reasoning. Hell, I even went back recently for law school, though I regret it every hour of every day since and am slowly withering away into legal nothingness…

Moving right along…

And I LOVE books and read often, so I know my language and creativity have expanded because of that. I mean, I actually write books, so yeah, I like them.

But all that shit I mentioned above? That was all TV.

Reality shows like The Kardashians, 90-day Fiancé and The Jersey Shore- that's not real TV. Those shows are shit and are the real cause of brain rotting and stupidity.

But crime shows? Medical dramas? 30-minute comedies and 60min family shows?

Shit like Dora the Explorer, Sesame Street and Blue's Clues?

Are you kidding me?

Those shows are gold.

And anyone who thinks otherwise knows not what they speak of. Fool and his feckless followers all reap the rewards of knowledge while spitting on the sanctity of art in whatever form it may come. They bite the hand that has fed them comedy, drama, laughter, scandal, love, betrayal, high fashion and relationship advice for decades; the hand that has expanded to include a diversified array of talent to match our real social landscape.

They speak of what they do not know.

And those ignorant piss-ants can all kiss my television-watching ass.

A Good Day to you, Sir.

I SAID GOOD DAY!

And on that note, that’s it for today because now I’m going to go take out my anger on this goddamn plate in the sink. Feel free to share this, should you so choose to spread the confusion. You can always check out my website, yokairytavarez.com, for insight into this disaster of a mind of mine. And be sure to check back in periodically for posts on everything from writing novels and raising kids to film, theatre and politics; with a whole lot of nonsense in between.

Next time, I’ll be discussing how traveling is awesome and why ya’ll should fund my next trip.

Thanks for reading. And as always, a million thanks to the King in the North and one true Heir to the Iron Throne, the bastard Jon Snow, for making all of this possible.

Peace, yo. ✌